I wanted to write you a letter.
These days have more hours
than I have strength.
I had searched for my pen
Only to find it had no ink
I had torn a page from my book
Only to find it filled with scribbles
I had looked for a quiet place to sit
Didn’t those graders invade my solace?
Do you have a remote for muting unwanted sound?
I wanted to tell you
These days seem to be worsening
I sometimes feel like
I’m always a step behind
Like, class started when
I was on my way to school
Papa, these days have a hot sun
and it’s not Christ
Papa, these days have dusty ground
and it’s not the the Chief Cornerstone
Papa, these days have colds
and not from alotta ice cream
Papa, these days have coughs
and not from choking
They are undecided
They seem distressed
They are reluctant
They seem to have given up
I have discovered walls in my mind, and I have run into demons in my heart. I know these walls shouldn’t be here. I know these demons shouldn’t be living here. Heck, they haven’t paid rent ever since they moved in. I know these facts. I also know I don’t want them here. I want the walls destroyed. I want the demons vanquished.
I want you to do it – the dirty work. The clean-up work. The demolition. The exorcism. The renovations. The painting. I want you to do that stuff. I don’t think I can do it. I don’t. I’m very confident in that. I’m more confident in my inability than I am in your ability. I want to trust your willingness, and your ability, more than I trust my unwillingness and my inability. I guess that’s where we are at right now.
I have confirmed that I have some work I need to be done, and I have fired the previous contractor, Adam & sons Construction Ltd. Now, I need to accept your bid and have you get on with the work. Only thing is, I’m still looking through your bid documents (you’ve done a helluva lotta impressive work, btw!) but I don’t know what I’m looking for. I don’t know if I’m looking for a reason to trust you or for a reason to doubt you if you fail (yea, I know, your documents show you’ve never failed, even with terrible clients, but how do I know this is not you putting your best foot forward?). I don’t know. Maybe I’m judging you on the standard of the other contractors I’ve worked with, which I guess is unfair. But, you see where I’m coming from, right? I have no trouble moving on and trusting you, so eh, I really don’t know why I’m here vetting you without any objectives. I just want to be alright. I want my mind reclaimed – all of it. I want my heart clean – all of it. I know you know. I.. I just need someone to talk to.
By the way, God,
do you work weekends?